Stuttering Hub

A Way to Increase Your Sense of Peace

Do you ever get mad at things? At other people perhaps? Stuff gets under your skin? You find yourself reacting to the outside world and you feel bad afterwards. A of lot mental and emotional energy gets wasted...

I want to share a technique I've been working with and is applicable to all drivers among you.

Now I love driving my car. But I don't drive particularly fast. I enjoy cruising at a steady speed. I could be called a 'sensible' (or boring!) driver.

When I'm slowly cruising, with my music on, some drivers behind me want to overtake... About 6-7 months ago, when this would happen I would get pretty annoyed. The driver behind me would be in more of rush than I was, and inevitably they would overtake...

I would say to myself, "Why is he/she in such a rush!? Can't they have more patience!?"

I would get myself in a right huff and puff about it. Just seeing the driver speed past me, could get me feeling frustrated.

And then I started to play with it...

Whenever a driver would come up close to me, I would continue driving at my speed, and would quietly challenge myself to not react. At first I could probably keep my cool for a few seconds, before the feelings of annoyance would pop up again.

However, the more times this happened, and the less I began to not react, my sense of peace began to increase. I would smile at myself, when I wouldn't react.

Of course, up until now I'm assuming that you are also a steady driver like me.

You could of course be the driver from behind, who likes to overtake the car in front. And maybe you get frustrated and annoyed at the driver in front going at a snail's pace. Let's be honest, this is also a waste in energy. The same applies to you also. Rather than get into a mood about it, just quietly go about overtaking - overtake with a sense of peace!

Warning - This post assumes that you will be driving and first and foremost, it's important to drive safely.

Time To Give Up The Hate

Do you find you dislike yourself at times, and blame your stammering for it?

I know I used to. I really didn't like myself. I was extremely insecure. I felt totally stuck with no hope. I felt people wouldn't accept me because of my stammering.

Looking back on my life, there were people who may have picked up on my negative vibes, and kindly offered advice with good intentions, such as "You have to like yourself first" Or "You have to respect yourself before others will".

I really didn't like hearing this said to me. The most frustrating thing was, I didn't know how to like myself! "It's easy for you to say!", I would think to myself.

Over the years, I have developed a far stronger sense of self. This I did through putting myself into 'scary' situations such as presenting at conferences. I did this through public speaking. I forced myself to walk up to total strangers on the street and start conversations. I learnt to be more sociable and talkative with the blocking. 

I used positive affirmations - a classic self-talk technique designed to help build confidence, increase motivation and self-esteem. I have used positive self-talk for about 5 years and do so even now, every morning. "I like myself", I say with conviction. "I'm going to have a great day", I state with a smile on my face. I'm beginning to talk normally", I repeat.

Are you tired of disliking yourself? Are you fed up of beating yourself up?

Then I'm going to tell you something so profound, which is "STOP". Really mind-blogging huh? :-)

The only person you are hurting is yourself.

Tell yourself, "I love myself no matter what". You will always be kind to yourself. You will accept yourself completely, with stammering or no stammering.

Respecting and caring for others is a wonderful thing. But respect and love yourself first. Do this and the world will change around you...

Stammering - Speaker's Conference‏

I'd like to follow on from a previous post about a statement Leys Geddes and the British Stammering Association (BSA) submitted to the Speaker's Conference. The conference had been set up to find out why women, people from ethic minorities and those with disabilities were under represented in the House of Commons, the main chamber of the UK parliament.

The event took place earlier in the week and Leys Geddes dropped me an e-mail on how things went...

At the end of the meeting Leys gave the following 3 conclusions on behalf of the BSA:

1. In terms of local democracy and the Disability Discrimination Act, there do not appear to be any councils which have a ‘speech friendly’ policy in place for those with any kind of Speech, Language and Communication Needs (SLCN).  They seem to think that the words ‘disabled’ and ‘disability’ refer only to those with mobility, vision or hearing difficulties.  For example, people with SLCN, and even Councillors with SLCN, might wish to have additional time to speak at meetings, but this does not appear to be happening. 

2. Prospective MPs with SLCN fear that the Selection Committees of the political parties will prefer candidates with fluent speech.

3. We would be grateful if Members of The House might consider the needs of those with SLCN more often.  Some 750,000 children and adults stammer, yet we are virtually invisible and inaudible.  If anyone in the House wants to learn more about stammering, or to involve us in any way, we would be delighted to help.

One of the Members of the Conference is Andrew George MP and he was kind and brave enough to admit, during the meeting, that he had a stammer.  He managed to get a grip of it in his 20s, after doing a lot of acting and singing.  As a result of this, he developed a new way of talking, which he has always used since, when he is in dangerous speaking situations.  He said that when his young son sees him on TV in Parliament he says ‘Dad, why are you speaking all posh like that?  Mr George then spoke to his local newspaper about his stammer and you can see the article at: http://www.thisisthewestcountry.co.uk/news/cornwall_news/4456260.Helston_MP_speaks_about_stammer/

I think it is great how Andrew was compelled to speak out about his stammering at the meeting.

More people in influential positions doing this will help the cause tremendously...

 

The Interesting Phenomenon of Not Stammering in Certain Situations

Do any of you sing? I mean have some talent and actually sound decent!

I have to gloriously admit I don't have any vocal skills.... not worth singing (pun intended) and dancing about anyway.

However I do have a tendency to talk a lot once I get into a flow. I can remember a colleague who once said I could talk for England, which I had to personally chuckle about. In fact, as a person who stammers I took it as a big compliment.

Anyway, why then do people in general, tend not to stammer when singing, or acting? I know when I'm public speaking, I stammer less. I still block on certain words, but I tend to care less.

Could it be possible, that when acting or singing, or public speaking we take on a different identity? The identity of a talented singer, or dramatic actor or confident speaker... perhaps we identify so much with this new identity (for how ever long it is), that it completely overpowers the identity of being a stammerer and the suffering we experience in some way, that we don't care. Or we forget for a short time.

I think a key question here is: What is so different when we take on roles requiring us to be courageous or to change, from how we usually see ourselves? Once we can find out this, we can think of how to replicate the positive behaviour(s) and attitudes and build ourselves around these.

 

British Stammering Association Annual Conference 2009

I sent off my booking form the BSA Annual Conference the other day. I am thoroughly looking forward to what should be one of the best events for 2009 in the stammering community diary...

I'm going to be giving a talk on the the prevalence of stammering in ethnic minorities and the use of social theories to explain stammering. So, I'll be putting my thinking cap on (It's always on by the way - what I really have trouble with is taking it off at times!) over the next few months and doing research and preparation.

The event takes place in September and If interested you can find more here...

I'm really looking forward to meeting up with some of you guys there. 

The Power of Labels

I was at a friend's place last week. He had a small get together at his house. His cousin was there with his wife and son, who was around 6 years old. I get on with kids a lot and was chatting with the son.

How many of you also get on well with kids?

Reckon this has something to do with them not judging us for the way we speak?

Anyway, this little kid was telling me how he was going to one his mates' birthday party on the following Saturday. It was a football birthday party, which seems to a new thing. Basically, it's a bunch of kids playing a football match, then have treats like cake and party food after.

Now he seemed anxious about the whole thing. He didn't want to go. He kept telling me as much. He kept calling himself "shy". Not just once, but numerous times. I saw the discomfort on his face and could relate to what he was saying...

His parents also heard their son call himself "shy". They seemed to find it amusing and kept repeating their son's words - "Oh, you're shy are you? Ah..."

Bells started to ring in my ears "STOP!" I wanted to shout. But I kept silent. Who am I to tell a parent how to speak to their kid? I don't even have children...

When I was alone with the kid, I tried to put a positive spin on it, by telling him to think of it as just having fun with his friends, but he wasn't buying it. How can a young child understand such?

When I got home, I really felt sorry for this kid - it took me back to my childhood. For around 10 years or so, I talked minimally unless I had to. I kept my mouth shut. A lot of people didn't call me a stammerer. They didn't know I stammered...

So they gave me another label - "shy". Oh "Hiten is just shy", they would say. How much this used to make my blood boil! I was young at the time, and the more I heard people 'label' me with this, and the more I struggled with stammering, the more I identified with the 'label'. "I'm just shy" I would tell myself. "I'll never have the life I want. I'm too shy to express myself. I know, I'll just stay hidden, so no one will notice me".

Have you been identifying with a label?

Or bought into the words other people referred you with?

But what is a 'label'? It's just a word that people use to refer to things, situations, people and so on. We need labels and terms so that we can communicate more easily.

But and this is big but, we don't have to let 'labels' into us.

When we young we had no choice. We needed the help of parents and adults to guide us. But when we are grown up we know better...

Let's take the word 'shy' again. Most people probably think of being reserved, un confident, timid when thinking of this word. But what makes them right? Why does shy have to a bad thing? Who's eyes is it bad in anyway? Other humans... people who are extremely fallible and think they know everything, when really they don't.

What if shy was the new confident? What if a person was shy and proud of it?

Who would get uncomfortable then? Probably the very same people who used to label the person shy in a negative way... they would get uncomfortable from their own insecurities.

I'm going to wrap this post up now, because I don't to get confusing.

But to sum up here is my tip for the day - REFUSE with all your might to let any 'negative' label get you down. It's only a word and you don't have to let it effect you - only if you choose to.

Stammering/stuttering needs a louder voice video by Leys Geddes

Friends, hot news off the press... Leys Geddes has just released a new video on YouTube...

Leys talks about a number of issues in his video such as:

• Stammering as a hidden disability and how it's important for us to explain more to people what it's like to stammer so they can understand us.
• The lack of influential business people and celebrity representatives from the stammering community.
• How stammering on TV and movies is only shown to make a particular character look weird (I've always detested this with a passion).
• The lack of money to help children get early treatment, to help better train SLT's, to educate politicians and for research:

Overall, this is another powerful and inspirational video from Leys. I could feel a lot of what he said through my own experiences... The work he has done for our community never ceases to amaze me.

The comment he made about the donkey charity getting more money (by about £20 Million!) than the BSA was almost funny, if it wasn't so alarming. He mentioned the number of ignorant people making fun of people who stammer on the Web reducing. This shows that serious change can be made with commitment and mass awareness campaigns.

You can check out more on Ley's view on stammering as a disability on Stuttering Hub here.

Dating and Stuttering

There has been some talk over on STUTT-L recently about dating for people who stutter. Before that, there was some discussion on Stuttering Chat about the same topic. The chatter about finding romance is always a hot subject for most people. But for people who stammer, it's extra interesting because of speaking challenges...

Some people just haven't let it bother them, and it doesn't feature as a hindrance in their lives. This is fantastic - lessons to be learnt from such people!! Others not so... It had been an issue for me when I was younger.

I think one of the key problems lies with worrying about what the girl/boy will think. But isn't this one of the main problems with stammering? Always worrying about what others will think... and forgetting who we are in the process. There is a definitely a confidence issue here.

I learnt this to be true through my own experience (and age!), I realised that it was always a 'lack of confidence and low self-esteem' issue all along. Women didn't really care if I stammered - only I did!

I know dating can also be a challenge for women who stammer. You do know there are plenty of guys who don't care that you do! I asked a very good friend of mine recently if he would date a girl who stammered, and he said this wouldn't be an issue with him.

I think what could be interesting is if they made online dating sites for people who stammer or held speed dating events. The ratio of men to women might be be enormous though!

Anyway, working on building self-confidence is a great gift you can give yourself.

 

The Next Big Hollywood Hit

I'm sure there must be one that was made. I certainly can't remember it during my time, but most likely there is one...

What I would like to see is a Hollywood (or Bollywood!) movie about a person who stammers. What would be great, is if the plot is a journey about a person who goes from being someone who is really struggling with having a stammer, to an individual who faces up to his/her challenges and comes out on top... living happily ever after. The movie would have a healthy mix of action, comedy, romance and plenty of speech blocks.

This would help increase awareness tremendously about stammering to the rest of the world. It would also be a highly entertaining and inspirational story. It would be even more authentic if the lead actor/actress is a person who stammers!

There are a number of famous stammerers. Someone who we all know well is Gareth Gates the singer. I think we need some more media coverage of famous people who stammer. It would be great if they were to to come out and talk more about their speaking challenges.

As for the movie, If you're a director and you fancy a legion of at least 50 million instant fans then you could have a winner on your hands. Whether it will make you much money, that's another story...

How To Increase Your Perspective

Today I want to talk about a very simple method, which I've had interesting results with. I'm going to talk about in the context of developing confidence. I believe I may have mentioned it briefly in a couple of my previous posts, but hadn't gone into much detail. I would like to do so in this post...

It is a way to increase confidence in ourselves, by using the example of others. You could use someone famous for example, who already displays the behaviour that you would like. What is even better is someone you know. This could be a person who has helped you or coached you about something in the past, or someone you looked at as a mentor.

When a challenge comes up, the trick is to put yourself in their shoes. Say for example you have to show a new colleague around the office, and how things are done in your place of work. You are bit anxious about stammering when speaking to the person.

Now say you also have a friend who is very good communicator and is able to get messages across clearly and concisely. How would they handle the situation? What would they do? In fact, just put yourself into there shoes and look out through 'their eyes'.

Such a technique can be very useful. For example, it is a way to create confidence to do whatever it is you wanted to do. The other thing is, it shows you do have the ability to be confident - previously you may have believed you did not.